I miss the last letter of the alphabet...

Its been getting really tired to sleep each night... I keep thinking and thinking.. what went wrong? If I can't even help a small group to grow, how then can I even manage a church? Sigh... Its beginning to affect me... Why can't people want to resolve things.. Why can't we talk?

Guess we all have different ideas of what friends should be.. Believe me... this post wasn't meant to be this short.. but too much thinking.. too tired to write any more... Lord Let me be numb....

The Sink

I came back and now I'm falling sick.. first from the  bruises off the tuk-tuk.... and next the flu and throat.. but mostly.. its just the sinking feeling of dealing with people... both at work.. and well... Christians... So ... sigh

To Master, to Serve, to Grow

No.. I'm not a fan of MGS, ok maybe i used to like MGS girls.. but that's not the point.. I think Pastor Alvin's sermon on Sunday struck a chord with me... especially cause for the past few weeks i've been struggling with knocking some gospel sense to a dead piece of wood...

Perhaps.. the part which struck me was when he reminded us that as we seek to master the word, we must let the word master us... and the result would really be in how we serve and how we grow.. What is growth then? I was saddened to hear to growth is tied so closely to the church.. in relation to the WOG. If it is the case, would not a person like me have the most growth? would not a professor have grown the greatest? Yet.. it is funny that not all Doctors... are Christians though they may teach the WOG.

Galatians 5:22-24 ²² But ^athe fruit of the Spirit is ^blove, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, ^aself-control; against such things ^bthere is no law. ²⁴ Now those who ¹belong to ^aChrist Jesus have ^bcrucified the flesh with its passions and ^cdesires.

Don't get me wrong.. I ain't about to be all buddhist and all that but really if the word does not transform you... (romans 12:2) then whats the point? I was told that my church doesn't seem to be growing because its focused to simplisticly on loving neighbours and all that stuff.. but really

Galatians 5:13-14 ¹³ For you were called to ^afreedom, brethren; ^bonly do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love ^cserve one another. ¹⁴ For ^athe whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, "^bYOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF."

Without the transformation that comes from the word and the seeking after Christ, can we really grow to be more like him? to be in the image once more? or do you think without Christ we can simply love our neighbours... Christians are not about doing good deeds for our good deeds pale and our hearts are often unpure, yet when our hearts are changed we really can't help but want to see the good done, to see justice served out.

I'm just trying to grow here... to see some more of my life changed.. I'll stick with that.. Too much head knowledge leaves me not able to think about others...

In a world....

I guess. its late... and having had conversations with some friends.. you begin to appreciate their thoughts and their sharing.. their honesty as they try to walk together to become more like Christ... i'm grateful. Though I may not be the best friend.. but I would try..The bible doesn't say much about friends.. though you would probably find the most from Proverbs itself.

²⁴ One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.  Proverbs 18:24

So.... well... Its been quite sad of late.. but thank God for friends who really mean it... Maybe I should just slowly let go of the ones that don't try.. after all...

if we ever get to this verse

Its been so long.. but I wonder if we can ever meet again to read... this would be a most interesting verse, for it surely reflects me and Siping's heart.

2 Corinthians 6:11-14 ^{11 a}Our mouth ¹has spoken freely to you, O Corinthians, our ^bheart is opened wide. ¹² You are not restrained ¹by us, but ^ayou are restrained in your own ²affections. ¹³ Now in a like ^aexchange-- I speak as to ^bchildren-- open wide to us also. ^{14 a}Do not be ¹bound together with ^bunbelievers; for what ^cpartnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Is it too much trouble to ask that you be open wide to us? that whatever hiddeness you have be made known? One of the ways the evil one does to people is to get them to hide.. Ask Eve... and Adam.. when we want to hide the things and not bring to the light.. there is an element of untruth.. we should be afraid.. and weary..

O Lord... Why are open hearts often forced to close? Why do people not bear their inside to you... since they know you already see their hearts?

A lost sheep?

So I was asked today... can we look at Luke 15 in a different way? i.e. instead of the shepherd as the central focus to find the lost sheep, to focus on why the sheep should want to run away? I said.. sure why not.. and so i started to wonder.. If I were a sheep, why would i run?

There is food, water and safety... yet mebbe there are just too many people around, more flaws will be shown, i don't want to account. (Who would.. if there were so many sheep sniffing butts?) so i would run... there is freedom.. i can go another place, find a bunch of wild sheep who don't really care... i can be... me.

I'm sad at this point... Siping is right.. mebbe after a while.. we just have to throw our wedding photos away... or take an eraser to erase the people....

I always wanted this small group... not be as a small group.. artificially planted with the nicities and trying to be nice friends so that I can have a sense of belonging to a group. I wanted us to be friends.. who spur each other on..

2 Corinthians 2:4 For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I ^awrote to you with many tears; not so that you would be made sorrowful,
but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.

This is what I feel.. and this is what I thought I would be doing..

2 Corinthians 2:17 ⁷ For we are not like many, ^1apeddling the word of God, but ^bas from sincerity, but as from God, we speak in Christ ^cin the sight of God.
I sometimes just wish we would live superficially... I really wonder.. God.. why do you place me in a group which doesn't love your word.. I should find it a waste? but mebbe its for the good of all... I never wanna boast.. but I always wonder if God.. the grace you shown would be better used other places.. but mebbe cause I know Lord that no small thing is too small... How apt that we are called not so small..

So well... I guess not every sheep likes honesty in relationships...

disappointment Part 2

We're finally nearing the end of the 1st letter of Corinthians and its kinda sad that we never finished it... but having read through the letter hopefully with the eyes of Paul and now moving to his second letter.. I can't help but wonder if the last time we met was the last? Paul never went back to Corinth, instead he chose to write the second letter...

2 Corinthians 1:23 - 2:2 ²³ But ^aI call God as witness ¹to my soul, that ^bto spare you I did not come again to ^cCorinth. ²⁴ Not that we ^alord it over your faith, but are workers with you for your joy; for in your faith you are ^bstanding firm. ^NAU 2 Corinthians 2:1 But I determined this ¹for my own sake, that I ^awould not come to you in sorrow again. ² For if I ^acause you sorrow, who then makes me glad but the one whom I made sorrowful?

I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness at the hiddeness of things... and back to the feeling sad, i wonder is it really wrong to ask for peace? Paul writes..

2 Corinthians 1:3-9 ^{3 a}Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and ^bGod of all comfort, ⁴ who ^acomforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in ¹any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For just ^aas the sufferings of Christ are ¹ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. ⁶ But if we are afflicted, it is ^afor your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; ⁷ and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that ^aas you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort. ⁸ For ^awe do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our ^baffliction which came to us in ^1cAsia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; ^{9 1}indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead;

Paul writes that the God, heavenly father is the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our afflctions so that we may be able to comfort those who are in affliction with the same comfort we have received from God. If it is a cognitive comfort as suggested, we would simply tell the brother.. hey you got peace already.. its all in the mind... Not very comforting. Note in Vs 5, if the sufferings in Christ are abundant, so are the comfort.. So by right if the peace and comfort are merely cognitive, then the suffering should be as well, ala Descartes? We are sharers of the suffering of one another.. Paul writes in all honesty that he despaired even of life... was this cognitive or did he really want to die?

Its funny how a friend of mine can simply choose to get angry and upset over comments and disicpline mad to the person yet claims that there is peace already but is clearly more discouraged than a person like me who can ask for peace..

But as of now.. I am very disappointed.. its the insercurities which lead to untruthfulness.. accountability is seldom given.. because of the nature of freedom...